Resolutions
by PyramidCalyx
Summary: Post-Wednesday's Child. Olivia & Brian work through the major stressors that are eating away at their relationship. Bensidy one-shot.


A/N: This is my spin on Liv & Brian's current relationship & future following "Wednesday's Child." Let me know what you guys think! And thank you for so many wonderful reviews for my other stories, on here & on twitter. It means so much! I do take requests, if anybody is interested. (I have a Bensaro one started, but hit writer's block; I'll finish it eventually!). Tweet BroadwayFi

**Resolutions**

A faint stream of steam flowed from the mug of green tea. Olivia wrapped her hands around the hot ceramic, closing her eyes and breathing in the relaxing aroma. Another day, another case closed, another evening home alone. _I should be used to this_, she thought, icily. Disappointment; in the system, in her life, in herself.

She had spent the last hour sitting at the breakfast counter, her mind a racket of emotions that would not cease. All she could think about was the innocent child under ACS's custody; the adorable infant who had no family to stand up for him. A perfect baby. From here, her thoughts returned to the negative pregnancy test she had taken. _What was I thinking?_ she chastised herself, tears beginning to prick her eyes.

This was the first time in her life that she had a relationship, albeit not a very stable one, at the moment. Thoughts of finally becoming a mother had circled in her mind that day. Finally, she could parent a child that would never be taken away from her, a child that would be hers. And Brian's. A slow tear ran down her face; Brian. She called him before her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom, the very day she took the test. Part of her wanted to forget the whole thing; but part of her knew she would feel guilty, as though she were hiding a big, dark secret from her boyfriend. He was in and out of undercover operations, and she was lucky to catch him at a time when he could talk. She remembered the relieved sigh when she told him she wasn't pregnant. Needless to say, a part of her heart chipped away.

From the beginning, their relationship was wrought with stress and high demands from both work and colleagues. She never would have imagined that they would be together, but seeing him again, after thirteen years, she realized something had changed. He had changed; they both had. She took a jump and let herself be loved, and despite more recent struggles the couple had faced, she still loved him. He had effortlessly become intricately woven into her life over the past two-and-a-half years. From the clandestine nature of their early dating relationship, to living with him after being kidnapped by William Lewis, to now living in their own apartment; their relationship was something she treasured. Yet, they still had never seriously discussed starting a family.

_Have I ever told him my desire to become a mother?_ Olivia wasn't sure. He hadn't spoken of wanting children; then again, they weren't in the prime child-rearing decade of their lives. Perhaps the thought hadn't occurred to him. She hadn't necessarily been thinking of having a child herself, until peculiar symptoms popped up recently. She knew the unlikely odds that she would miraculously become pregnant without any fertility assistance. Although, it was possible.

But his relief was so apparent, he didn't try to hide it. What if the test had been positive? Would he pretend to be happy when in fact he wasn't? Had he expressed relief at the negative result so that she wouldn't blame herself too much for _not_ being pregnant? Perhaps to show that he supported her either way? That idea flitted around in her head; he would know that she would put enormous pressure on herself whether or not there was a pregnancy. All of the stress from being temporarily in charge of her SVU squad had certainly proven that point.

Olivia sipped her tea, the possibilities and hypotheses rolling about in her brain. If he wasn't interested in children, and the test had been positive, would he have left? A new batch of tears were borne in her eyes; her heart sank. _Why have we never talked about this?_ her mind screamed. Then again, when would they have time? Nowadays, she barely saw or spoke to him. Lieutenant Tucker kept him on a short leash, and she knew Brian was trying to prove himself worthy of his shield. She couldn't blame him; after being busted down to a uniform cop doing overnight security at the Bronx courthouse, she knew his ego had taken an enormous hit. Being a detective was his entire life, and having had that taken away once, she was certain that he would make damn sure the NYPD wouldn't make an example of him ever again.

Still, Olivia sometimes lay awake at night, aching to hear his footfalls down the hallway, to have him slide into bed beside her and wrap her in his arms. Never in a million years would she have thought that she would actually be missing the company of a man. She wondered if he still felt the same for her?

The door swung open, making her anxiety return. Brian hung his coat on the rack and called out, "Hey, babe."

"Hey," she replied, taking a deep breath. Her hands clutched the mug and she cast her eyes down into the translucent liquid. She had realized that they desperately needed to sit down and talk. They had fallen into a habit of shying away from any subject that might cause undue stress. She was partially insulted by this, figuring that Brian was trying to protect her from becoming upset in case she couldn't handle it.

"Liv? You okay?"

She blinked, raising her head to see him across from her, his eyes highlighted by concern. She gave a faint smile; at least, she tried to smile. He appeared even more worried.

"Yeah, it's nothing."

Brian regarded her with doubt. Her entire body was tense and she was holding onto the mug so tight her knuckles were white. He had heard the sadness in her voice when she called to tell him that she had taken a pregnancy test. He knew they had to talk about it; he just didn't know how. There was so much strain on their relationship as it was; conflicting schedules, Tucker being an asshole and sending him on repeated undercover cases, the stress of her promotion, and the overwhelming lack of communication.

"Liv, you can tell me, okay?" he tried, leaning on the counter, carefully watching her face.

Olivia swallowed and looked out the darkened window. "There's nothing to tell," she heard herself say.

She looked back at him, suddenly realizing that she was making the situation much worse. His eyes had hardened, and he frowned. He shook his head and stood up straight, trying to choose his words carefully. She could tell he was on the verge of doing one of two things: walking away, or giving her an earful. He did the former.

"Fine, that's great," he muttered, pulling off his suit jacket as he exited the kitchen.

Olivia sat, her eyes closed. She jumped when the bedroom door slammed. _This is why I'm better off alone_, she thought. _I never had to deal with this shit before._ Her chin began to tremble and she put a hand over her mouth to cover an unexpected sob. Their first evening alone in over a month, and this was how it played out. _No wonder he doesn't want a child with me,_ her subconscious berated as her heart swelled with anguish.

As she hung her head in her hands, Olivia thought about the mutual effort and care that had been put into their relationship. The buzz of attraction had set in not long after they saw each other for the first time in thirteen years. Beneath his rough and jaded exterior, he was sweet and charming, just like he always had been. Although they quickly reconnected sexually, he had been the one to say that he wanted to do things right; he wanted to take her out on dates, rediscover the Olivia Benson he had fallen head over heels for when he worked at SVU. He had been the one who wasn't entirely sure that she had changed, and he was skeptical that she wanted to be with him. She knew this; and did her best to reassure him of her devotion. They had discussed where they were at in life, and who they were today. Why had it been so easy for them to talk about themselves and their relationship then? Now the subject was avoided like the plague.

Olivia heard the shower start and couldn't help but remember waking extra early at his previous apartment so she could rush home and get ready for work. The Christmas they spent in the Bahamas and how she kept a tight lip with her coworkers on who she was taking a vacation with. It had been her idea to keep their status hush-hush; she wanted to enjoy a private life without interference from her nosy squad. Namely, her nosy partner, who had few good things to say about Brian. But that vacation, she closed her eyes, remembering the heat of the sun and sand, the peace and tranquility of their resort, the joy waking up next to him every morning. The nights where they stargazed, or danced, or made love until dawn.

She had never experienced pure happiness until Brian came back into her life. Despite her staunch disapproval of becoming dependent upon anyone, she had slowly fallen in love and came to desire his presence. She wanted to be with him, to have him as a constant in her life. When she was taken by Lewis, she refused to bring Brian into the conversations in that beach house; she didn't want the Beast poisoning her representation of him, skewing everything she said into twisted lies. She even feared that if Brian found her Lewis would kill him before either of them could stop him. In her heart she became acutely aware of the indescribable pain that would come with losing Brian.

He had been her rock, her biggest support after she was found. He took time off of work; he kept her company while at the same time, he gave her the space that she needed. When she returned to work and settled into her routine, he casually mentioned that they might want a bigger apartment. Any other relationship, any other time, she would have balked at the outrageous idea of living with her boyfriend. But, after a few months of sharing his tiny pad, she adjusted to sharing space with somebody else. She honestly felt excited about looking for their own place. Their home.

_Not much of a home now,_ she mused sadly. She lifted her head in surprise when she heard the refrigerator door open. Brian poured himself a glass of juice, clad in pajama bottoms and a wife-beater, his hair still damp and towel-ruffled. Olivia stared at him, unable to shake the feeling that if one of them didn't start talking, the pile-up of touchy subjects would continue to escalate. She was hurt by his apparent indifference about starting a family together, but she hadn't really given him a chance to explain. She knew the hurt would increase tremendously if their troubles remained unspoken and caused a permanent unravelling of their relationship. She took a deep breath.

"Liv,"Brian broke the silence. "C'mon, let's go sit."

He took his glass and walked over to the couch. Olivia glanced at her lukewarm tea, deciding to leave the mug where it sat. She softly sighed, taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch. An uncomfortable silence enveloped the couple; both trying to find the right words to voice their concerns and opinions. Olivia's heart was racing and the cacophony of questions in her mind suddenly became too much for her to remain quiet.

"If I had told you the test was positive, would you have not wanted the baby?"

Brian turned his head sharply. "You would've told me that over the phone, huh?"

Olivia saw the hurt in his eyes before he quickly looked away. He shook his head, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. As she opened her mouth to respond, he spoke first.

"You really surprise me sometimes, Olivia," he began, his voice defeated. "You call me at work to tell me you aren't pregnant, twenty minutes before you have therapy, reassuring me that you're okay. I get that I don't always have time to chat, but it's like you purposely called knowing the conversation would be quick. Like you expected me not to respond the way you wanted. I'm actually surprised you told me about it at all."

Guilt crept into Olivia's conscience; he knew her to a tee. "At first, I wasn't going to," she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper.

Brian looked over at her. "Yeah, I know."

"You were relieved, Brian. You have no idea how excited I felt thinking there was a slim possibility that I was pregnant," she murmured, her eyes welling with tears. "I've always wanted to be a mother. I thought you would be as disappointed as I was."

Brian shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face. "I gotta say, Liv, this whole baby thing is coming outta left field. You never brought it up before. Yeah, I was relieved you aren't pregnant because, really, this isn't a good time."

"Well, when is, Brian?" she snapped. "I'm not getting any younger."

He raised his brow, pleased he had gotten a stronger response from her. "Look at us, Liv. You're in command of an understaffed squad. I'm undercover all the time. What kind of life would that be for a kid?"

She stayed silent. All she could think about was the infant in ACS's custody. If she even tried to adopt him, she knew Brian's points would make ACS deny the adoption. She worked long hours, took paperwork home with her, and had a boyfriend who was also working long hours. She swallowed, her throat beginning to throb.

"Jesus, what kind of a life is that for you and me?" Brian breathed, looking at the floor. "I'm done with it."

Olivia sat up straight, her heart pounding, chest constricting. "Brian?"

He looked up, bewildered at the panic in her voice. He saw her eyes glistening with tears, her chin trembling. He moved closer to her on the couch, wiping an escaped tear.

"With IA, babe," he said softly. "I'm done. I can't … I don't want to us to live like this anymore. I wanted to tell you, but I guess I thought you'd be disappointed. Anyway, Tucker can keep my shield."

"Brian, you worked so hard for your shield. Hell, you almost died getting it back," Olivia gripped his arm. "I can't be the reason you give that up. Being a detective is your life, it's-"

"It's not the most important thing in my life, Liv," he laced his fingers through hers. "You remember when you kissed me in that hospital bed? Our jobs were the only thing in our lives up til then, and you said you had changed since we first met. You were ready to give me a shot. But, now we went backwards; yeah we're together, but we still live for our jobs. Suddenly, the idea of a family comes up and I honestly don't know what to think. It's both our fault for never talking about it, and I'm sorry, Liv. I'm not always the best at this kind of stuff."

"Neither am I," Olivia gave him a small smile. "But, you're doing a good job right now."

Brian chuckled. "Yeah, well, for once you aren't telling me to keep my mouth shut," he said with a cheeky grin. "You know, back when I was at SVU, I imagined having it all; the wife, the kids."

"With me?"

"Yeah, well, you stole my heart without knowing," he kissed her knuckles. "And you'll always have it."

Olivia melted; he was so sincere, so honest with his feelings for her. He always had been, even though she knew he sometimes felt inadequate, as if he wasn't worthy of being with her. Part of that anxiety stemmed from the negative perception of their relationship that was held by her colleagues. Mainly, her partner. Brian understood the close-knit bond that Olivia had with Nick, and how important their partnership was to her. She knew he respected that; but felt that he secretly worried that Nick would convince her that she deserved better. Yet, for all his irritating traits and macho-pride, Brian was her dream; he was the only man who shattered her defenses and proved to her that she was loved, truly and deeply.

"Bri, there's something else."

"What?"

She bowed her head, taking a deep breath. "There was a baby that we found during our last case. Nobody stepped forward to claim him. He-he's in the custody of ACS, and I was at the hearing and all I could think about was what if I adopted him?" she wiped her tears and brought her eyes to his. "What if _we_ adopted him?"

Brian sat back against the couch, still holding her hand, his thumb gently caressing hers. "Is that what you really want?"

Olivia nodded. "I do. But, not without you," she insisted. "I love you, Brian. I-I don't want to pressure you, or make you want to leave."

"Liv, I'm never gonna want to leave," he stroked her cheek. "I love you."

She slowly smiled, placing her hand on top of his. "Do you really want to hand in your shield?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "If it meant I get to see you more, be with you. I'm done working undercover. Maybe it isn't great timing if you want to take the next step and start a family. But, I'll figure something out. I don't want to be an absent father, Liv. Our family would be my priority."

She pulled his face to hers, softly kissing his lips. His other hand tangled in her hair as he deepened the kiss. Olivia moaned, running her hands over his chest and wrapping them around his neck.

"I hope they find a new captain soon," Olivia breathed, closing her eyes and leaning her forehead against Brian's.

"So do I, baby. I hate seeing you stressed all the time."

She smirked. "I really hate you working for Tucker."

Brian chuckled, kissing her lips before leaning back. "Yeah, not as much as I do. I swear he keeps sending me undercover just to piss me off. I missed your ceremony because of that jackass," he clenched his jaw, remembering the disappointment in her voice when he told her he would miss seeing her being sworn in as sergeant.

"Bri, I understand," she said, squeezing his hand.

Brian gave her a small smile. "I'll be nice on Monday. Explain why I'm through being his UC rat. I'll try to get him to transfer me somewhere."

"And if he won't?"

Brian sighed. "I'll find something else. I got my twenty, anyway. I'll make sure we're okay, Liv."

Olivia curled up against him on the couch. She leaned against his bare shoulder, placing a soft kiss against his bicep. Her anxiety had disappeared, and there was a tickle of excitement travelling through her body. She was surprised that Brian was so open; he generally didn't talk about his feelings. Or, maybe she just always shut him down to avoid talking about her own feelings.

"I'm sorry I avoid talking about things," she said, laying one hand against his chest.

"Me, too, Liv," he replied, kissing the top of her head. "We'll work on it, okay?"

She closed her eyes and smiled. "Okay."


End file.
